2002-11-18 - 8:25 p.m.
I'm supposed to go to a seminar first thing tomorrow, and I'm worried that I'm going to forget. The minute I get off this computer, I'm sticking up a note. One thing that sucks about working part-time is I always forget shit. There's too much time in between my work days. Another thing? I'm always busy. I used to have time to take care of all those little things I never get around to at home...phone calls, internet surfing, mailing stuff. Now, I'm always WORKING. Where's the time for me?
Lou just learned how to say "Hi." She says it a Lot. Tonight as I was rocking her to sleep she kept pulling her head back from my shoulder and saying "Hi!" I made the mistake of saying it back the first couple times. Then I closed my eyes and tried to snuggle her tight and shush her, but she was like a little junkie needing her heroin. Hi Hi Hi. I could feel her hot breath on my face. I tried to look peaceful and asleep, but she wasn't buying it. Hi Hi Hi. She was too restless to drift peacefully off to sleep so I eventually just gave her a big hug and put her down. No more cooey baby letting me leave the room while she's awake. But, she's always so tired after the rocking that her protests never last longer than a minute or so. Tonight...thirty seconds. Once I'm out of the room, she loses her protesting steam.
So, I've opened a can of worms, and I'm not even sure where to start describing it. I'm going to tell it in pieces since it's long and my desire to tell the story comes and goes. So here's the first installment of the saga. When Lou had that cyst on her neck, I was a bit of a wreck. I was really bummed that I didn't have medical history since I'm adopted. I ended up calling my state's adoption rights group to make sure that they had my current address. I talked to a really cool woman there who got me interested in opening up the case to search for my birth father. She said her own birth parents were no prize, but she had never regretted doing the search. She also told me I could just ask him to fill out a medical history, but not give him any identifying information about myself.
I tried to contact my birth mother over ten years ago, but she ended up not wanting to meet me. She was very emotional about having felt forced to give me up and had never told her current husband. After analyzing and re-analyzing all the information I was given (it's what I do best), I'm convinced that my birth mother is either extremely religious or in an abusive relationship. Whatever the case, I respect her decision to not meet me. Although, I would have appreciated a non-identifying letter.
I stopped the search on my birth father ten years ago when my intermediary's research turned up the following information:
1) His father said he was "still up to no good."
2) He was living in Las Vegas.
3) His driver's license had been revoked.
Now, living in Las Vegas is not a crime...yet. It just seemed like a bad combination to me. But, I re-opened the case last week. It was out of sheer curiosity. I have no interest in a relationship since I already have a family, and I don't have any need for more "family." I am excited at the prospect of having some medical history, but when you think about it, what good does it do? I'll still only have half a medical history and it's really kind of pointless information to have anyway. Also, now that the scare with Baby Lou is over, it feels much less important.
I got a call yesterday saying he died in '95. I am quite surprised at how upsetting this news was. It may have triggered some emotion about the loss of my father since he died last year. Either that or I just wasn't ready to have the book closed when I was just getting ready to open it again. Anyway, sad news.
But wait, there's more. I'll close with these two thoughts:
1) It's sounding like I come from hillbillies.
2) My intermediary is a dork.
The Good News: Maybe Baby Lou will be a natural on the banjo.
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